Cyrano de TeRGerac
I had a fun evening yesterday, GBM came round to mine for dinner and then we went out to see Django Unchained. That’s the third time I’ve seen it by the way, and it just keeps getting better with every viewing. The scene with the eyeholes in the bags gets funnier, Samuel L Jackson’s performance gets awesomer, the shootout near the end gets Tarantinoeyer.
But I’m getting off the point. I love spending time with GBM, her friendliness is infectious and I can never be in a bad mood when she’s around. And although she is very happily married to a lovely guy and I know she has no interest in me romantically, she always holds my hand or puts her arm through mine (in a chaste, non-romantic, sisterly way) and a part of me enjoys the fact that anyone seeing us assumes we are together, and that gives my ego a bit of a boost. She is out of my league but I get a little taster of what it would be like. Similar to when you put on the shirt of your beloved sports team – you know you will never play for them, but you still feel the pride of the shirt, and a bit of you pretends that you are wearing it for real in front of the fans.
As we walked through the multiplex to our screen, she dropped her voice and said to me, “So, TRG, I want to ask you about any special ladies in your life.” (“There’s only you GBM, you know that.”) “Because I know a few people who have done internet dating and I wonder if you’ve ever considered it.”
Well yes I have, as it happens. I know I am pretty inept socially, am chronically shy, am very bad at reading people, all the other stuff; and I know that in writing I am a million times the person I am when I’m actually there. I am always telling you this in my posts, this won’t be news to you. And those of you I have become friends with off-screen will have had me tell you that if we had met in person first I would not be as able, entertaining, witty, thoughtful, as I am on here. Because written words are my medium.
So far so good, sign up to getmefuckinglaidalready.com and fill your boots TRG. Except it isn’t that simple. It’s all very well being tremendously confident and entertaining in writing, but sooner or later – ok sooner – I would have to meet the woman/en I had been liaising with and live up to my own hype. And that is where the idea of internet dating falls down for me. If I could just do the internet part, skip the dating and fast forward to the bit where we are already settled down, there would be no chance that during the get-to-know section she would realise I’m not all I’ve built myself up to be. I’ve got major flaws that I can paint over or suppress in writing, and which a life-partner would accept and support. But someone who reads what I say and gets the image that I am some kind of modern, hetero Oscar Wilde is going be disappointed and gradually become busier and busier when I call until I stop calling.
Trust me, I know, this is what happens. And this is why internet dating won’t work for me. I am just too fucking scared of getting my hopes up again only to be (albeit gently and carefully) rejected.
So in response to GBM’s question, I sidestepped by saying how I knew people who had internet dated too, there was no social stigma, it’s a great route to lifelong happiness for many people, until we got to our screen at which point the conversation turned to where shall we sit, do you like any of these trailers etc etc and the subject was carefully avoided.
It’s like I’m my own Cyrano de Bergerac – in person I am Christian who needs Cyrano’s words to be a better romantic, and in writing I am also Cyrano who is able to conjure the words but hopelessly unable to say them himself. And so, on Valentine’s night, I am at home, eating a re-heated curry and blogging before I watch a few episodes of Buffy and have an early night. Vive l’amour.