A new GAW?
I thought I’d tell you about a young lady at work who seems to have caught my eye and my interest. We have often been on the same lunch break, and pass the time of day, chat about nothing much. I never thought of her romantically – she is a fair bit younger than me, and I’ve always been more interested in GAW – but these last couple of weeks we seem to be chatting more than before, being more friendly and I suddenly realised yesterday that maybe she is becoming the latest unfortunate recipient of my attentions.
The catalyst for me was the fact that I found out she is newly single, but I have no idea whether this means that I am more receptive and now see her as a potential partner, or whether she is being more open with me because she sees ME as a potential partner. Ah yes, the same old dilemma I face every time I chat to a girl I find attractive – am I projecting my attraction onto her or is she reflecting my interest? And I get the same answer every time – I have no idea. Because I can’t read people when it comes to my romantic life. It’s ironic really, I am a writer and observer who can subconsciously understand a person’s character pretty quickly, and I can write a backstory for a fictional character and know how they view the world by thinking as them. I can see when others are attracted to each other, but when I am involved – not a clue.
Yes it’s true that when I was showing her how to program the alarm on her phone she was standing closer to me than she ever had before. It’s true that we have emailed a few times recently which we never used to do. It’s true that I chanced putting a couple of kisses at the bottom to see what would happen and she did the same and this is now the norm. But this means nothing – some people just like to put kisses on emails.
I can hear you all getting angry with me, I know you are shouting “just ask her out” at the screen. And I even have the perfect line ready. I told her about my wine making and she asked if she could try some – I said I’d bring her a bottle. She was telling me about a dvd she watched and she offered to lend it to me. The obvious step, what every other man in the world would do, is to say “well let’s watch it together while we drink a bottle of my wine.” It’s fucking obvious, and maybe this is what she is hoping I say to her. But will I? You know me well enough to be able to answer that one.
I have thought about any potential “us” from every angle. I have imagined us cuddling on the sofa watching the film, I have imagined us kissing, I have imagined peeling off her underwear and going down on her, I have imagined her eyes staring into mine and her mouth wide open, gasping as we make love and she climaxes, and it all looks pretty nice to me. But I have also imagined meeting her family and them thinking “and you’re seeing this guy?” And I have imagined her telling friends about me and them saying to her “and he’s how old?” I have also imagined when it ends and the car crash of having to still work together. And all of the faults I know I have becoming public knowledge. Not in a malicious write-it-on-the-toilet-wall way, but in that she would tell a close friend under sworn secrecy (because why wouldn’t you?), who would tell maybe one or two others who were ordered not to say anything but they are one person removed so they’re not too bothered about not whispering to someone at the coffee machine where it gets overheard by another… (Plus if I asked her round to watch a film I’d have to hoover and I really can’t be arsed.)
I know, I’m overthinking. I know, I’m being paranoid. But this is the reason why I am telling you about her. Not to tell you I am smitten, not so that I can gain strength from your encouraging support, not so that you can rush out and buy a hat ready for the wedding, but so that I can show you the thought processes that I go through at the point of meeting / becoming attracted to someone. The way I mentally take the relationship to its conclusion before it even begins. The way I come up with enough obstacles and doubts to persuade myself not to take it any further. And the way I really have no idea at all whether she likes me.
Just take the risk, you will all tell me, just ask her. I can’t though and I won’t. But at least you know some of my reasons why.