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Happy Sunny Day!

12 May, 2012

It has been raining here in England pretty much every day for about 6 weeks. Since about the time they declared a drought and a hosepipe ban. Yes, the irony has been noticed by the entire nation. And it has been cold and miserable. I have even had to ride my bike to work in the rain a few times because (a) I am getting fat through lack of exercise and too many biscuits while I write and (b) I can’t afford the cost of the petrol. More of this in another blog…

But, to the point. This morning, we wake up to SUN and the promise (as much as the weather people ever “promise”) of a dry and reasonably warm weekend. Perfect timing then for a fat dollop of Black Mood to be spooned into my mental breakfast bowl. Like the fickle changes in the weather (well, not so many “changes” lately, but don’t let that spoil my simile), I only know what mood I will be in when I wake, and today is a bleak one. The sun is glorious, there are so many things i could/should be doing – working the allotment, cycling, writing, reading in the park, seeing the new Tim Burton, housework (yea right!), eating something, watching a box set of the Sopranos – but the task with most appeal at the moment is just getting back in bed, hiding under the covers and waiting for the mood / the day / the life to go away.

I don’t really understand how my head works, and why it is how it is. I have learnt to recognise when the day is going to be a bad one, and I am lucky that a tiny part of my brain can hold onto the fact that it will go away. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon… (though not “and for the rest of my life” so that Casablanca quote will have to be cut short). What I have not learnt is how to make it go away. Sometimes if I just go back to bed then it has gone when I wake, or sometimes that just leaves me feeling the same as before but with a sense of failure and worthlessness.

It has taken an enormous effort to switch the computer on and write this. So I guess that’s some sort of success. And the reason I started this blog was so that I had an outlet for the swirling internal maelstrom that accompanies a bad day. If I write it down, maybe it will clear. Or at least I may understand it more. We’ll see.


From → My Head

  1. It’s been raining so much I thought I might have to build an ark, unfortunately the sun comes out about 5am, so I might have to change my schedule just to enjoy a place in the sun.

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