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23 July, 2012

I was chatting to a good friend a few days ago and the subject of heartbreak came up. Heartbreak and the deep, aching, painful sobs that come with it.

I had only experienced that once, i said, when my first proper relationship, the one that took my virginity, came to an end. An end which had been approaching very clearly for a few months, and which, i realised afterwards, had only been postponed by her because we had a holiday booked and paid for. But i’m digressing.

The point is that there have been many occasions since then that relationships haven’t worked out, or more often, haven’t got going. But since that first time when my heart was broken, i have never given it to anyone else. I have wanted to many times, i have desperately wanted to fall passionately in love, but it never gets that far.  So rather than a broken heart, i end up with an increasingly damaged self-confidence. Never broken, never completely ruined though, that would be humane. No, the life support machine is never switched off, my self -confidence always lives to believe and then be kicked down another day.

And what i am also left with is an increasing disappointment. I meet someone, i get chatting, i get friendly, i hope, imagine, fantasise, that she is finally The One. And then it fizzles out, and the disappointment returns. It isn’t a gut-wrenching sorrow, it isn’t a deathly pain in the heart and soul, it’s not a punch to the stomach.  I could cope with that more easily – a good cry, a night of getting incredibly pissed (in both the American and English senses), maybe a revenge/anger fuck and you can move on. But the disappointment that once again i wasn’t good enough, once i again i gave it everything i had, and she just wasn’t impressed, well that is like being underneath a car when the jack slowly gives way. You can see the enormous weight coming, but you can’t get out of the way, and it traps you. Just the merest pressure at first, but gradually that weight increases, the burden of disappointment becomes harder and harder to bear. It doesn’t break your heart, but it crushes your soul.

  1. I have known this feeling more times than I care to count, Mr. Reclining Gentleman, sir. It’s awful. As you say, it’s worse than if you had just chucked it all. The hopefulness is what sucks you in and then makes it so painful when it goes wrong. It makes it hard to breathe–your description is really apt.

    You should come to the States–you’d have to peel the chicks off you. Or not, that’s your choice. 😉

  2. I’m in the same place. I don’t think I have another broken heart in me. I’m working on it.

  3. Oh gawd, yes. I remember these emotions. Thankfully for me they’re in the past, but I had years of them.

    • and i keep going back for more, convincing myself *this* one will be different.

      • You’ll know when it is. Something in you will have changed rather than expectations of the other person.

        Generally speaking, you’ve really got to feel right in yourself and then go after a relationship, rather than the other way round.

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