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Romantic Failures – R (and B)

13 August, 2012

I spent my formative drinking years in the Frog and Frigate. A legendary pub in the centre of town where on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays a bloke called Derek played guitar and sang busker tunes to a packed pub who were either stood on the tables and holding the wiring in the roof for support, or dancing/pogo-ing in what I can only describe as a mob that filled the entire pub. You had to drink beer by the bottle in the Frog because if you bought a pint, three quarters of it would be spilt. Everyone sang along with Derek, everyone danced, everyone got drunk, everyone got covered in beer.

And amongst all this boisterous and frankly unattractive behaviour, I met R. She was quite pretty, was a trainee nurse, and most importantly, she was happy to talk to the terribly shy eighteen-year-old me. We got chatting over a few weeks (I was not a fast worker even then), I had no idea how to take this any further, and then one Saturday she said did I fancy going outside “for some air.” I did fancy this, as it was always boiling hot inside. The labels literally slid off your beer bottle with the heat, and the humidity meant you could stick them straight onto the walls, or the ceiling if you were stood on a table. Anyway, to the point. In my naivety, I didn’t realise she wanted to get more than air, and was pleasantly surprised when she kissed me behind the chip shop. It was enjoyable enough that we did it again the next week, and the next.

At this same time, I got chatting to B (I know! Me! Chatting! To girls!) who was FAR prettier, had a cute smile (see? It only takes a smile to win me over) and who I reckoned I had a chance with. I decided I wanted to make a move on B, but R was also there, and I knew that whenever R approached me, I would not be able to resist more walking and kissing, and who knew? Maybe a feel of that rather nice chest of hers. So a dilemma – who to choose? B – Probably out of my league but who I had become rather fond of, or R – More my level but outshone in my eyes by B? Luckily I developed a strategy for the following week – get even more drunk than usual and see what happened.

Well, I have to report that what happened was that after setting about the beer at a furious pace, I spent most of the evening being sick, and the conversations I had with either R or B involved me slurring, staggering and having to excuse myself again. I left with my mate Steve, as usual, having kissed noone, and had to lean out of the car window twice on the way home to be sick again. Needless to say, neither girl showed any interest in me that night, or ever again.

Except, there is an epilogue to this tale. One night about four years later, I was with Steve in The Stile, where many ex-Froggers took to drinking, and R came in. It had been a while, but we fell into chatting naturally, catching up, having a good time as friends. I thought no more of it, assumed our time had happened (“it was only ever supposed to be a bit of fun, a one off snog” she told me one night at the Frog). Closing time arrived, we all left, and as i was walking to the car, R tapped me on the shoulder. “Good to see you again,” she said, moved in for a hug, and then suddenly we were kissing passionately and hungrily in the crowded street outside the pub. It was lovely, but I was so shocked that she was still interested that when I heard Steve calling my name, I simply removed my tongue from her throat, said goodnight, and walked away. I never saw her again.


  1. Ohhh, Mr. Reclining Gentleman sir. Your Romantic Failure stories are way funnier than mine are.

  2. OH my gosh!!! LOL That last bit… removed the tongue and walked away. You sound like a cowboy from our American westerns! : )

  3. If you were smooth, you would have tried daring R and B to kiss each other. Then you could have had them both. 🙂

  4. Andy permalink


    My business partner and I are attempting to reopen the frog and frigate, if we are successful we want to get Derek back in there and singing, do you have any idea of how I mag get hold of him or what his surname is or any other information that might be useful.

    Kind regards


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