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Romantic Failures – J

18 August, 2012

In which TRG fatally mixes work with pleasure.


J worked in a local branch of the same company as I did. We were both assistant managers. When the manager of my branch left, I was offered the post, but it was a job I didn’t much like – I had been trying to leave for about a year – so I turned it down. J was brought in as our new boss. We worked well, we made a decent professional team, but for me there was no personal spark, and to be honest I didn’t like her much. And although she was fairly pretty, sexy even in a way, I had no interest in her.

Then we walked home together after a Christmas outing. Not in that way (or at least I hadn’t thought so) but as two colleagues who lived in the same direction, one of them a gentleman who didn’t want a lady walking home alone. When we reached her house, we said goodnight, exchanged a Happy Christmas peck on the cheek, which then evolved into a festive hug which went on too long, finally becoming what we English call “a bit of a snog.” I enjoyed it, but backed away. This was not a good idea. We were workmates, and as I said, I didn’t much fancy or like her. We didn’t really mention it again other than to say we were drunk, it happens, let’s move on.

A week or two later, a colleague threw a party (there were always lots of parties) and everyone from work was there, including J. We didn’t flirt or hang out together, but we didn’t avoid each other either. It got late, things were winding down, people were finding their coats. J announced to the room that she was walking home. I was the only one who lived in that direction so felt obliged to accompany her, but was determined that hanky would be off the menu, and panky was to be avoided. Which worked till we reached her door. And then our lips met under the moonlight.

We sat on the bench in her garden, kissed some more, with my mind saying “this can only end badly, go home” as I unbuttoned her blouse and smelled, tasted her perfume. She sighed as my hands caressed her, explored her, and the brain in my head was over-ruled by my other brain. This was already going to be awkward again, i decided, so why not get some? I relate the conversation as best I can recall it:
TRG “Shall we carry this on inside?”
J “Do you have any condoms?”
TRG “No but they are other things we can do”
J “I don’t believe you, you’re so selfish”
Exit TRG

Now what I had meant was that we could both spend a night of mutual, guilt-free oral pleasure, orgasms could be enjoyed by all, noone would become pregnant, and contraception wouldn’t be needed. I took her answer to mean that I was selfish for not wanting to commit to anything more, which I thought was a bit harsh, but fine, No means No and I left. It was only as I was walking home that I realised (as I’m sure you all did straight away) she thought I had meant “I’m too tight/stupid/ignorant/drunk/male to bring any condoms to a party that I knew was going to end with us together, but that doesn’t mean you can’t suck me off.”

There seemed no point in trying to explain this the next day, it would just sound like I had spent all night coming up with an excuse. Maybe I should have told her what I’d meant, but I didn’t. It may well just have rekindled whatever there was between us anyway, which I didn’t much want to rekindle. It had been a mistake twice, a third time or more would be unwise.  Needless to say, our work relationship deteriorated. I went and worked at the branch she had come from for a few weeks. This was explained as being holiday cover, but really it was because we couldn’t be in the same room. I went back after that break, things had improved but were still very awkward. I finally managed to leave about six months later.

There are two morals to this story. 1) Don’t mix it with people you work with (and especially people you work for), but if you do, then 2) don’t speak in coy euphemisms.


  1. You are a riot.

    These are my favorite bits of humor: “hanky would be off the menu, and panky was to be avoided” and “don’t speak in coy euphemisms.”

    The next day, you could have made her feel like quite the idiot who missed out because of her misunderstandings. But you are right; she would have followed you around forever like a lost little puppy dog hunting for food.

  2. I actually read J’s comment and thought, “Wow, what a bitch.” Because I would have interpreted your saying “There are other things we can do” exactly how you intended it. In fact, I recall being in that position once or twice myself and either saying or using that exact phrase. Sometimes you have to make do without condoms and it works out quite nicely for everyone. But if she just assumed off the bat that you were thinking that she’d just get on her knees for you and that’s it, then she obviously needed an attitude adjustment.

    • thanks, im glad its not just me. and i had never thought up until now how little it means she thought of me that she thought i would think that of her (if that makes sense). having said that i’m kind of glad l left at that point, i shouldn’t have still been there.

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