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Romantic Failures – J (a different one)

6 September, 2012

J worked in our office. I always had a crush on her from the day I started. She was gorgeous: deep dark eyes, (dyed) blonde hair, slim, tall, long legs, and if I may be so crude, a wonderful bum and perfect pert breasts. (“they’re a C, sometimes a D”). For the first three years we worked together, she was someone I liked the look of and sometimes chatted to at the printer about football – she is a Saints fan, goes to every game – but I thought no more about it, expected nothing more.

Three years ago, during a quiet summer at work, we started exchanging a few chatty emails. Mainly about football or what we were up to at the weekend, that sort of thing, but they quickly became more personal, asking more interesting and intrusive questions and we signed off with what quickly became lines and lines of kisses and hearts. And between the emails, we would arrange to meet at the printer, the coffee machine, the stationery cupboard, and chat some more, say things we couldn’t email, laugh at answers or stories. Things were clearly going well, but me being me I was continually weighing up what my chances might be and wasn’t sure, so didn’t say anything.

Around this time, her parents (who she was living with) were away on holiday, and I took to texting and then phoning her goodnight. I was even brave enough to ask her out that week too, casually (“I’m probably going to the cinema one night this week, want to keep me company?”) but we couldn’t coordinate our diaries. As I got in the car for work on Thursday morning of that week, she texted me and suggested we take a sickie and go to the safari park. And like an idiot I didn’t dare risk getting caught by work, and said no. Fool.

The emails continued, we would come into work with lists of questions we had prepared, and we both enjoyed the thrill of wondering what we would be asked next and how much further the bar would be raised. But being work, there was a limit to what we could say, and there was still a slight reserve about what was fair game to ask. So we agreed to meet at mine one weekend afternoon, drink wine, ask absolutely anything and everything, and to be completely honest. As a result we got to know all each other’s fantasies, fears, histories, likes and dislikes, how often, who/what we might think about at the time, everything. She knows all the stories I am telling in this Romantic Failures series, and she knows all the stories in the much more exclusive list of Romantic Successes. We even talked about going to Rome for a weekend the following spring, it would be lovely. But as much as we shared, as stunning as she looked that day in her tight jeans, pushup bra and plunging neckline, as much as I lusted after her, as much as I spent the afternoon peeping at her breasts when she (probably) wasn’t aware (and trust me, from the angle we were sitting there was virtually nothing I couldn’t see), I didn’t make a move. Partly because I told myself I didn’t get any positive body language signals, and partly because I was just too overawed.

We carried on emailing, we told each other more and more, we started to call each other husband and wife as we knew each other as well as a married couple. Our phone chats became an established ritual and we would chat for hours, openly sharing how hot some of the stories and confessions made us. On a couple of occasions, we chatted when we had both just come out of the shower and were both lying naked on our beds. And I just knew I had to pluck up the courage to go for it.

A few days later, maybe three weeks from the start of this story (“It’s incredible how much we have shared in just a couple of weeks!”), she mentioned her upcoming holiday to Mexico in a couple of weeks. She was looking forward to going, but not spending time with who she was going with. Her boyfriend. Boyfriend? I had assumed she was single, she never mentioned a boyfriend. Well, they were as good as broken up, she explained, but neither wanted to waste the cost of the holiday so they were still going. Leaving work that night, I caught up with her in the car park and told her that I knew she was with him in whatever way, and Mexico was probably make or break, but I was mad about her, loved all the time we spent together, thought about her constantly, wanted more. She smiled and said that was sweet, hugged me chastely, we pecked on the cheek. I outrightly asked if there was any chance for us and she said she didn’t know what the future would bring. Not a dismissal, but not encouraging. We carried on emailing, we carried on phoning and texting, I carried on fantasising, I carried on reminding her how much I liked her. And two weeks later she went to Mexico.


Sadly, it was make rather than break. I had figured out by now that I had never really been in with a chance (she once told me my best feature was my smile, which is the same as saying “well you DO have a nice personality”) but this slammed the door for me. Please don’t think that she was a tease or a bitch though. Despite my lust for her, I never once felt she was stringing me along, she never offered or inferred anything more than friends. And the chats and emails and questions and secrets continued and still continue today. We remain great friends even though she left our office six months ago. We still share everything, we love the freedom we have to tell each other things we can’t tell anyone else, and it is great having a male/female view of all aspects of life, love and sex. I even wrote some erotic short stories for her, which featured the two of us and she loved them. She would read them back to me, and even once wrote a piece for me in return.

And we still call each other mr and mrs, even though she is marrying that same boyfriend next year. We still sign off with lines of kisses, we still share everything. So as friends this is a story of success, but in the romantic ledger, this goes in the column marked “failure”.


  1. Dang, I was waiting for the hot make out scene that was supposed to happen in the supply room closet. Ya know the one were you both come out with staples in your clothes and hi light marker on your faces. Seriously though….this made me sad in one sense but happy you have such a pure friendship!

    • and i imagined that scene so many times too, but it wasnt to be… love the image of staples and pen – hot and hilarious!
      this whole thing did make me very sad too for a while but i can now see how lucky i am and her friendship really means a lot.

      • Friendships often times are less complicated and last longer. They make for some great day dreams though 🙂

      • we’ve often said that if we did end up together, how it would change our open-ness, and suddenly we would be more wary of offending or being judged. So we are probably better off as we are, but yes the daydreams (and nightdreams too) are wonderful!

  2. One friend who thinks you have a beautiful smile will after decades and failed love affairs still think your smile is beautiful.

  3. TheOthers1 permalink

    Just reading that, even though you say she wasn’t, she was leading you on emotionally. The signs are there, the established relationship was there, but she wasn’t willing to take the steps to see it through. Why share those things with someone if you aren’t more interested? I wouldn’t cross that line with someone I’ve only known a short while. It was almost like she was holding on to you just in case her boyfriend didn’t work out, which is wrong in my opinion. You’re kinder than I am though.

    • I know how it looks like i was plan b but that was honestly not her intention – the timing of the holiday makes it seem that way. I have asked myself and her many times if she ever felt anything romantically and she didnt. It sounds really bad to say it was just a way of injecting some fun into a dull summer but she is a kind and honest person who was genuinely not out to either hurt or seduce me!

    • I had the same first reaction as CC… BUT… maybe she was just enjoying your attention as much as you enjoyed giving it? I don’t know. But I’m glad you are good a maintaining friendships. : )

      • It was always just a friendship for her, which as i said in my comments with hastywords above was probably best in the long run.
        still would have loved to sample the goods though 😉

    • She clearly wanted a friend with benefits, so to speak. And she probably assumed TRG felt the same way. When she realized he wanted more, she began to backpedal.

  4. Just so you know, she had every intention of staying with her boyfriend all along. But things were rough, and she was unhappy. She wanted to have a fling with you but nothing more. At the same time, she obviously treasured your friendship. So it’s probably better that nothing happened. But naked in towels together?! Come on. Even you must see that as an invitation; that’s impossible to misinterpret. 🙂

    I read mention of a Romantic Successes list. Perhaps it would be beneficial for your self-esteem if you posted about one of those every once in awhile. Why don’t you alternate? And then when you run out, you can make them up. Don’t you know that if you write it, you tell your subconscious that it is true? Every negative thing you write is communicated to your brain; likewise with the positive. What does that tell you?

    • She honestly wasnt after a fling, just gossip and friendship but yes i read it as more and dont see that as my error – anyone would have seen it that way.
      maybe i will post some successes but theyre not as funny!

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