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Friday Fictioneers – Beach

25 January, 2013

My usual enormous gratitude and promises that my first born will wash her dishes for life go to Rochelle for running FriFic. Here is this week’s prompt which was supplied by the ever-fabulous Renee:
Copyright-Renee Homan Heath
I always love to read everyone’s encouraging feedback, it spurs me on. But this week I want something different from you – I want everyone who comments to tell me one thing they didn’t like about this story. I can take it, I am an adult, I have belief in my writing, and I want to know how it can be better. So, if you have your red critic’s pen ready, here are this week’s 100 words:

 

“Are you okay?” he asked, squeezing her hand, “you’re shaking.”

She wasn’t okay. She hadn’t been on a beach since she was fourteen. Since she sunbathed topless in a naïve attempt to seduce her older cousin, who stared with distaste at her budding, unimpressive, uneven breasts. Since she had covered herself again, humiliated.

The few men she had been with had usually been polite but she knew that behind their flattery they shared her loathing for her body, and she let them leave.

He was different though, he was kind, special, true.

She smiled bravely and stepped onto the sand.

 

 

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16 Comments
  1. TheOthers1 permalink

    Now how come you’re seeking criticism? If you’re looking for a critique of the technical aspect, I’m not your girl. I didn’t think the story was bad though I find her extreme fear interesting. Her cuz really messed her up. It’s almost to body dysmorphia stage.

    • hi CC! not wanting to sound bigheaded but i always get comments saying how people like my stuff, but i think there must be bits that don’t sit right – particularly if i write in a voice outside my own, like this one.
      i had the phrase body dysmorphia in my head, and wondered where that may have originated in her case. the cousin fracturing her fragile teenage confidence and blossoming sexuality in such a personal way seemed like it would have deep effects.

      • TheOthers1 permalink

        Got it. We’re all different people and actions and words wound us differently. I imagine the rejection of her cousin would do that for her.

  2. Since you asked..it would be, for me the two “sentences” that begin with the word Since.

  3. I’m one of those writers that if I don’t proofread well enough will repeat too many words. It wears on the reader and pisses me off. 🙂 So yes, I side with lingeringvisions and state that you shouldn’t start two sentences with the same word. Especially in a very short story.

    I enjoyed the story. As a woman that has always loathed her body, I completely identify with your main character.

    XOXOXOXOX

  4. Okay — but only since you asked: I didn’t like the beginning of the second paragraph. The sentence, “She wasn’t okay” was superfluous, since you’ve already had the guy question whether she is, and he notes that she’s shaking (which was a good telling-detail). And then you go on to give us her bad past experiences (btw, I loved that she “knew” the other men were disgusted with her body — really takes us into her head!). All of these things let us know that “she wasn’t okay” without you having to narrate the words.

    Since you asked.

    • Thanks for your feedback Dawn, i really appreciate it. I nearly took out the “she wasnt okay” so maybe i should have followed that instinct.

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