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Cyrano de TeRGerac

14 February, 2013

I had a fun evening yesterday, GBM came round to mine for dinner and then we went out to see Django Unchained. That’s the third time I’ve seen it by the way, and it just keeps getting better with every viewing. The scene with the eyeholes in the bags gets funnier, Samuel L Jackson’s performance gets awesomer, the shootout near the end gets Tarantinoeyer.

But I’m getting off the point. I love spending time with GBM, her friendliness is infectious and I can never be in a bad mood when she’s around. And although she is very happily married to a lovely guy and I know she has no interest in me romantically, she always holds my hand or puts her arm through mine (in a chaste, non-romantic, sisterly way) and a part of me enjoys the fact that anyone seeing us assumes we are together, and that gives my ego a bit of a boost. She is out of my league but I get a little taster of what it would be like. Similar to when you put on the shirt of your beloved sports team – you know you will never play for them, but you still feel the pride of the shirt, and a bit of you pretends that you are wearing it for real in front of the fans.

As we walked through the multiplex to our screen, she dropped her voice and said to me, “So, TRG, I want to ask you about any special ladies in your life.” (“There’s only you GBM, you know that.”) “Because I know a few people who have done internet dating and I wonder if you’ve ever considered it.”

Well yes I have, as it happens. I know I am pretty inept socially, am chronically shy, am very bad at reading people, all the other stuff; and I know that in writing I am a million times the person I am when I’m actually there. I am always telling you this in my posts, this won’t be news to you. And those of you I have become friends with off-screen will have had me tell you that if we had met in person first I would not be as able, entertaining, witty, thoughtful, as I am on here. Because written words are my medium.

So far so good, sign up to and fill your boots TRG. Except it isn’t that simple. It’s all very well being tremendously confident and entertaining in writing, but sooner or later – ok sooner – I would have to meet the woman/en I had been liaising with and live up to my own hype. And that is where the idea of internet dating falls down for me. If I could just do the internet part, skip the dating and fast forward to the bit where we are already settled down, there would be no chance that during the get-to-know section she would realise I’m not all I’ve built myself up to be. I’ve got major flaws that I can paint over or suppress in writing, and which a life-partner would accept and support. But someone who reads what I say and gets the image that I am some kind of modern, hetero Oscar Wilde is going be disappointed and gradually become busier and busier when I call until I stop calling.

Trust me, I know, this is what happens. And this is why internet dating won’t work for me. I am just too fucking scared of getting my hopes up again only to be (albeit gently and carefully) rejected.

So in response to GBM’s question, I sidestepped by saying how I knew people who had internet dated too, there was no social stigma, it’s a great route to lifelong happiness for many people, until we got to our screen at which point the conversation turned to where shall we sit, do you like any of these trailers etc etc and the subject was carefully avoided.

It’s like I’m my own Cyrano de Bergerac – in person I am Christian who needs Cyrano’s words to be a better romantic, and in writing I am also Cyrano who is able to conjure the words but hopelessly unable to say them himself. And so, on Valentine’s night, I am at home, eating a re-heated curry and blogging before I watch a few episodes of Buffy and have an early night. Vive l’amour.

  1. I won’t belittle your thoughts on internet dating, although I do think you are making a mountain out of a molehill… oops, there I go. If you were to try, I would just say, be honest. I think a lot of women would read your blog and say… “Hey, this is an interesting guy… and a romantic.” Can’t hurt, maybe next 2/14 you won’t be watching “Buffy”… or maybe you will find some girl who loves Buffy as much as you.

    I know what you mean about having GBM on your arm and getting an ego boost. Nice, but conflicted, feeling. I do, however, take exception when you say ‘out of her league’. I don’t think that’s true, so you need to snap out of that mindset.

    I have an idea. Why don’t you take some of your writings… not the ones you do with certain duet pals of yours… maybe some poems or short fiction pieces that are really good to an Open Mike Night… do they call them that there? Or a Poetry Slam? That kind of thing. Get some women friends from work to go with you… they may know of some. That’s an easy (safe) way to meet people and be yourself.

    I may have to enlist Dawn’s help on this.

    • i was introduced to buffy by a wonderful girl… but she is gay and a great mate 😉
      Maybe i will give the internet a go but as with everything in my life i need to build up the courage before i try anything. like the open mic – that is a great idea. there are a few round here usually for music but some give you stage time to do whatever you do. maybe i could give them some frific

  2. Oh dear. I want to fly over there and smack the shit out of you right now. I mean that in the most loving of ways, of course.

  3. You have absolutely no clue how brilliant you are. We all have faults…we all have to go through the motions of trying people out. When you accept that others are not perfect either and start realizing there are people missing out on you that may want and need you desperately you might be willing to go find them. Don’t let past experiences keep you from your dream girl.

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