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A new GAW?

27 February, 2013

I thought I’d tell you about a young lady at work who seems to have caught my eye and my interest. We have often been on the same lunch break, and pass the time of day, chat about nothing much. I never thought of her romantically – she is a fair bit younger than me, and I’ve always been more interested in GAW – but these last couple of weeks we seem to be chatting more than before, being more friendly and I suddenly realised yesterday that maybe she is becoming the latest unfortunate recipient of my attentions.

The catalyst for me was the fact that I found out she is newly single, but I have no idea whether this means that I am more receptive and now see her as a potential partner, or whether she is being more open with me because she sees ME as a potential partner. Ah yes, the same old dilemma I face every time I chat to a girl I find attractive – am I projecting my attraction onto her or is she reflecting my interest? And I get the same answer every time – I have no idea. Because I can’t read people when it comes to my romantic life. It’s ironic really, I am a writer and observer who can subconsciously understand a person’s character pretty quickly, and I can write a backstory for a fictional character and know how they view the world by thinking as them. I can see when others are attracted to each other, but when I am involved – not a clue.

Yes it’s true that when I was showing her how to program the alarm on her phone she was standing closer to me than she ever had before. It’s true that we have emailed a few times recently which we never used to do. It’s true that I chanced putting a couple of kisses at the bottom to see what would happen and she did the same and this is now the norm. But this means nothing – some people just like to put kisses on emails.

I can hear you all getting angry with me, I know you are shouting “just ask her out” at the screen. And I even have the perfect line ready. I told her about my wine making and she asked if she could try some – I said I’d bring her a bottle. She was telling me about a dvd she watched and she offered to lend it to me. The obvious step, what every other man in the world would do, is to say “well let’s watch it together while we drink a bottle of my wine.” It’s fucking obvious, and maybe this is what she is hoping I say to her. But will I? You know me well enough to be able to answer that one.

I have thought about any potential “us” from every angle. I have imagined us cuddling on the sofa watching the film, I have imagined us kissing, I have imagined peeling off her underwear and going down on her, I have imagined her eyes staring into mine and her mouth wide open, gasping as we make love and she climaxes, and it all looks pretty nice to me. But I have also imagined meeting her family and them thinking “and you’re seeing this guy?” And I have imagined her telling friends about me and them saying to her “and he’s how old?” I have also imagined when it ends and the car crash of having to still work together. And all of the faults I know I have becoming public knowledge. Not in a malicious write-it-on-the-toilet-wall way, but in that she would tell a close friend under sworn secrecy (because why wouldn’t you?), who would tell maybe one or two others who were ordered not to say anything but they are one person removed so they’re not too bothered about not whispering to someone at the coffee machine where it gets overheard by another… (Plus if I asked her round to watch a film  I’d have to hoover and I really can’t be arsed.)

I know, I’m overthinking. I know, I’m being paranoid. But this is the reason why I am telling you about her. Not to tell you I am smitten, not so that I can gain strength from your encouraging support, not so that you can rush out and buy a hat ready for the wedding, but so that I can show you the thought processes that I go through at the point of meeting / becoming attracted to someone. The way I mentally take the relationship to its conclusion before it even begins. The way I come up with enough obstacles and doubts to persuade myself not to take it any further. And the way I really have no idea at all whether she likes me.

Just take the risk, you will all tell me, just ask her. I can’t though and I won’t. But at least you know some of my reasons why.

 

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33 Comments
  1. Hey RG. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always got. The maddest thing you can do is continue to do the same thing and expect a different result. Shotgun with a twelve bore the inner voice. I can’t believe you made me leave the cave…. Don’t think! DO!

  2. Am i regretting posting this? A little bit. Because this is the most honest and self-deprecating post i have written, and it lays all my insecurities out there for you all to examine.

  3. Okay… Here’s the deal. The length of this post seems to indicate this might be important to you, but I got tired halfway down. Please send all her contact info, so I can send her some money and ask her to ask you out. Thank you.

  4. Problem with you is you have the most amazing imagination…and you live there. Invite her to see a movie out…or to coffee…or…I don’t know something you can live outside your mind. All she can do is say…no…and you know what…you will find you survive and be ecstatic you took the chance. You will get addicted to taking a chance! You know I love you and I have more confidence in you than you do. I say if she says no…then screw her and let her eat fish heads because it is her loss. Tell your mind that!!!!!

    • i KNOW that is what i should do. i KNOW i am being ridiculous. i KNOW nothing bad will happen. but i also know i won’t ask her. i really appreciate all your love and support though.

      • I KNOW you wont I KNOW you KNOW I love you I KNOW you KNOW this frustrates me LOL. OMG I am going to just fly down there. But seriously…I have my figures crossed you do something you don’t KNOW!

      • this is why i need a wingwoman, i need an outsider to see her and tell me what she is thinking. because i dont KNOW 😉

  5. I wasn’t yelling at the screen. Maybe she’ll surprise you and ask you for drinks. You’ll know then.

  6. I hear what you said – that you wrote this to put your thought processes out there. You made me think of how I think / used to think ( I still do this automatically) that I can do everything myself. I don’t ask for help. It’s vulnerability put out for the crows to pick at. I’m embarrassed to say that but it is how I felt and like your statements – it CAN be true. I quietly whisper, “It isn’t always true.” The dazzling fact I have found is that when I can be brave and ask, I am sometimes so humbled by the response. Others who helped me actually have an easy way and willingness about it, The beliefs in my head were only my obstacles. Have I changed and ask everyone for help all the time? No, but my mind can’t create the wall of thorny vines that keep me inside my reasons as fast as they did – and I am happy to see that people are happy to help. I think this is the same as asking someone to be closer to you. xoxoxx (how do you like how brazen I am with the kisses I type? : )

    • thanks for such an honest comment Jayne . Youre right, i wasnt posting this to tell everyone about this girl and to struggle with my angst – there is no angst and i’m just reporting how my head works. Its as much an exercise in understanding it myself as telling everyone else. Your story helps me to believe that maybe i can overcome the ridiculous feelings and fears that the voice makes me have. maybe i will overcome them by asking her out, maybe interested enough in her to fight. we’ll see. i appreciate your support though, and the kisses xx

  7. Jump my sweet, jump. You may find that you can fly. Coffee first. Or just a sweet gaze her way. I believe you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. Don’t live in your head. That’s not where life is. It’s outside of us. In every dream we dream and every risk we take. Speak up, honey. You never know where those words will take you.

    • maybe i’ll say something, maybe i won’t. it’s not like i’m totally smitten with my head in knots. that’s why i was able to write such an objective post. Any developments will of course be documented here.
      I know there is a world out there, i might even visit it one day.

      • Here’s wishing you do say something. Here’s wishing it turns out great. You know me, I’m a romantic wishy washy twit. I want the world to be in love. And to live.

      • I know you’re a romantic 🙂 And i may even surprise you and myself and turn out to be one too, who knows…

  8. You know, if you don’t ask her out, it’s probably for the best. The fantasy is usually better. In real life, she probably smells bad… like moldy bread or something.

  9. Delilah permalink

    Oh how you love to frustrate us all. I will admit, I sort of rolled my eyes a bit and sighed, “here we go again.” I do love you though, you remind me of someone…ME!

    • I just tell it how it happens (or doesn’t). I think all us writers and bloggers have a lot in common, i know a few that have similar fears to me

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