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Plus ca change…

14 April, 2013

Apologies to Ted and to anyone else who happens across this post, but it’s going to be a whinge about my failures with women. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.


You may have read my post last week in which I congratulated myself on having finally emotionally freed myself from a relationship (was it ever a “relationship”) I was in (was I ever “in” it?) a year back. I was pleased that I had beaten the system, that I had beaten my head, and I felt good about myself. Skip to yesterday evening, I had a brief text exchange with GBM arranging to meet for lunch soon, and she asked me if I had seen that the girl in question had updated her facebook status and was now single.

No, I hadn’t sent this, I unfriended and unfollowed her a while back when I was busy Moving On. I had uneffed and uneffed because I didn’t want to know anything about her, didn’t want to think about her. But now I had this news and my head can’t deal with it. And as much as I crowed and boasted only the other day that I was over her, this news threw me.

Part of me panicked that she might now get in touch (very unlikely – why would she?) and what would my reaction be? As far as I could work out, it only ends badly. Either I would have to ignore her, which I can’t do, as my underlying fear of offending over-rides all others. Or maybe I would politely reply but avoid meeting up but again I don’t want to offend, and part of me would want to meet to prove to myself I am over her. And this leads to the worst scenario of all, that we meet and the old attraction is there again. Because then I know that however much I wanted to move on, however much I have been hurt, the thought of someone showing an interest, being attracted to me, would be too much to resist and I would fall for her again. An attraction which would be ill-fated and which would end with me being hurt again, only more so.

So I would settle for the lesser of several evils and refuse to meet, albeit politely. But then, I thought, what if by being pig-headed I was denying myself the chance of the perfect relationship that I thought it was going to be.

All of this is hypothetical of course, why would she suddenly decide to get in touch with me? A man she had decided was incompatible with her, however wonderful she told me she thought I was. And when she doesn’t get in touch, my head will see this as another rejection, another affirmation of the fact that relationships, marriage, happiness and all those other things are for other people and not for me.

So this is where I (finally) reach the point of this rambling whine. Amongst my many faults is a tendency to over-analyse events which haven’t happened yet and are not even likely to happen, and to scare myself that the worst possible outcome is the most probable. I always do it and it usually prevents me doing anything at all.

So I am hoping that she won’t contact me. But if she does I’m sure I will be back on here agonising about it. And before she does, dear reader, what would you suggest I do? Should I avoid her in the hope of avoiding any future hurt? Or should I see her and risk the hurt so that I can find out if I am denying myself a chance of happiness?

  1. You and I are a lot alike. We think entirely too much for our own goods. I think avoiding her is best if she calls. Trying to see if there is still a possibility even mentally is bad for you. Don’t torture yourself.

  2. I’d keep well out of it. Don’t see her if she does contact you. Park this and your insecurities in a small box marked “do not touch” until you have the time and the distance to look at the situation from a rational and emotionally neutral distance. 🙂 Hope you’re well RG.

    • the annoying thing is i thought i HAD the time and distance but i guess not. i won’t be seeing her, i doubt she would contact me anyway. im not being selfdeprecating there- i unfollowed and unfriended so its really up to me, and i wont because i know i would get hurt
      Thanks for taking the time to comment, i appreciate it

  3. michelanng permalink

    For God’s sake, Man… add some gelatin to whatever’s in those boots and move on!
    I don’t know how gelatin is spelt in Jolly Olde England (you certainly missed the boat on ‘whine’), but you get my drift.

    Okay, here’s what you do… drop her a line and tell her you have other interests now, but you hear she is single, and if she would like to get together for an ‘Old-Times-Sake-Shag’, you would be up for it. Don’t listen to Cara… get it out of your system.

    • Hi! Thanks for commenting, its nice when readers get involved. Im a vegetarian so gelatin is offlimits for me but i know what you mean 🙂
      Oh, and whingeing different to whineing – adding the ‘g’ makes it sound more justified!
      Anyhooo, im just not a shag em and dump em kindaguy,maybe thats where im going wrong in all of this. i need to properly close this chapter, every time i think ive moved on it turns out i haven’t. well at least it gives me something to blog about 🙂

      • Michelann’s advice sounds just like something I would have said!

        Thank God, your fiction rises above this fray of emotions that wends its way with your women. I think I would almost rather hear about Larry the Plant. But, if your blog is also medicinal, then so be it.

      • Dont worry Ted, more pics of Larry will follow soon!

  4. Personally your emotional side is what I love about you. I think in the real world you show very little emotion…shy…reserved and a mystery to most people. But here you can be an emotional ball of whatever you choose. Of course my blog is nothing but an emotional mess so don’t listen to me. My advice is easier said than done…..she is just another person…no longer who she was and neither are you…so no worries. Go about life and if she contacts you…sit back….relax…email me and we will sort through things when we actually have to worry about it!!!!

    • you’re right Hasty, in the real world i keep myseif shut away so on here is where i get to feel. (and you readers get to listen to me moan!). And i love the emotional honesty on your blog.
      I know i am probably stressing over nothing, it’s just my way of thinking through the possible futures. I doubt i will hear from her but if i do you’ll be the first to know 🙂

  5. If she contacts you stay polite but stay firm and point out she decided you were not for her and you are worth far more than been anyones back up plan, then wish her well and allow her to go on her way while you hold your head high knowing you are worthy of someone who will appreciate you for yourself

  6. That kettle boiled.

    Move on.

    Only go back and drink the tea, it if was damn amazing tea, too good to live without.

    By the sounds of it, it wasn’t that great, it was cold, and stale even.

    Move on to a nice fresh, steaming cup.

    • You’re right, move one to different tea that is a bit more yummy
      Although the actual tea (by which i mean the drink, not anything symbolic or metaphorical) is nice, whatever memories it holds

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