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25 April, 2013

I have no idea what I weigh. I haven’t stepped on a set of scales since I was last at a gym about seven or eight years ago, and I can’t remember what I weighed then. But I do know that over the last six months or so I have put on weight, more than a couple of stone at least (that’s thirty pounds in American) and I was no stick insect before that. I’m not morbidly obese, I know I am healthier and luckier than a lot of other people. And I also know that this increase is a result of two things – 1) being so busy at work that I stopped cycling in because I couldn’t spare the time I was taking to shower when I got there – and 2) I eat too much shit, and too much generally.

At work, I usually eat two packets of crisps a day. I try to ration myself to one and there are days when I manage it. But not many. Every day I decide will be the day I cut them out altogether. This will be the day when I break the habit that I know it is. And every day around 11am I crack and open a bag. After lunch I come back to my desk having eaten my sandwiches and the five pieces of fruit they tell me I should eat daily to keep healthy, and I desperately want another bag. I know it’s not hunger, I sit in the canteen feeling full. But as soon as I’m back, my stomach rumbles. It’s hard to fight it. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Food is a habit.

While my boss was off I noticed I was eating more at work, and it took me a while to make the connection. A mound of work would come in, I would get stressed, and I would get a Kit Kat Chunky from the tuck shop. There is no logic to it, but by eating I would beat the stress. Food is a pacifier

Virtually all the time I am at home, I am on my own. I am either writing, reading or watching a DVD of some kind. Oh, and I am eating. Either an actual meal, with unnecessarily large portions that I really should be freezing some of but end up eating anyway because it’s there, or I’m grazing. Despite my regular intentions to ban chocolate and crisps and biscuits from the flat, there is always some of at least one, and I am usually eating it. Often the biscuits have cheese on too. I’m not eating due to hunger, it’s impossible to be hungry that often. But if I am working it helps me think, if I am reading or watching it is something to do. Food is a comfort.

I have been living alone for 15 years. Every meal I have had at home in that time, it has been my turn to cook, and to be honest I am bored of it. When I get home from work I can’t be arsed to cook, and at weekends I have too much stuff to do to spend ages cooking.  So I either make something simple and boring and samey, or I have something from the freezer. Or I just eat some biscuits and/or a massive bag of crisps and tell myself I didn’t. Food is a chore

Yes I know that everything I have written in this post is my fault, in several senses of the word. I am culpable and responsible for all of this, I am the only one who can change and break these bad habits, and the reason I don’t is a fault, a failure on my part.

Am I whinging? Yes. Should I just fucking sort it out and have some emotional strength? Yes. Is it that simple? Well what do you think?


From → Blogging, My Head

  1. Relax and go with the flow, as they say, and enjoy life… until you are obese. I do think eating biscuits (are those cookies) (and what in the hell are ‘digestives’?) and a massive bag of chips might be wrong… maybe stock up on some ‘Lean Cuisine’ frozen meals for your dinner. I think it’s just a matter of rewarding yourself often… just not too much at a time. If I came to visit you, I would have a bag of treats in my pocket. I don’t think you are whining (please note correct spelling) at all.

    Thank you for defining ‘stones’… you should have a glossary for your American readers.

  2. Weight loss is so hard! It takes an active mindset change on our parts and my willpower is basement level. Maybe you need someone to push you?

  3. Morbid Insanity permalink

    “Am I whinging?” No!

    “Should I just fucking sort it out and have some emotional strength?” Yeah, that’d be good.

    “Is it that simple?” No, it’s not. I know it is something apparently simple to be solved, and, at the same time, it is complicated. But I think that you don’t need to have someone to push you. You have to do things for yourself! With or without someone by your side.

  4. It sounds like a little of my life was. Now going thru a divorce at 43, mother of three and living single with my mom in Arkansas. Cooking and baking for the family. Being around food all the time. It was my constant companion at the time. I knew It wouldn’t abandon me. I knew it was always there… It was like a secret lover. Tempting me. And I would always would I give in. Some of it being stress, some of it being lonely. I struggle with it everyday. But I have made a choice to make changes. It is good to have friends to support your efforts (even the ones on the internet blogging). It is hard! No doubt about that. But if I can dream and aspire to be a great artist and sell my things all over the world and blog stories and share it with people, then you can beat this eating bad habit and feel healthy and happy!

    • Hi Marla! Thanks for dropping by and thanks for commenting. ‘Secret lover’ is a good phrase. i think it was a secret from me that i am eating too much, i only realised recently. I need to make a change myself as you say, and i need to change the circumstances that make me want/need to eat. easier said than done but it’s the only way

      • Well hey then. We will just see won’t we. Oh, and I have read so far one of your other writings. Def makes you think. wink wink. I can just hear your mind saying” Gee just the just one”??? (I’m talking to your ego.) Yes, I’ll be reading more. Have you ever tried writing your parts and then letting others join in writing some to see where the story will take you? Just a thought. I’m a visual sort of person and I find it can get very, oh my is it hot in here?

      • i saw that you liked one my other posts. click on ” “adult” on my category dropdown for erm… similar other stories 😉
        And if you click on fiction duet or fiction relay tags you can read works i have written with other people

  5. Hmmm yes. I saw this after I posted the comment. I ment in an open forum. And it can be done as an interaction with any topic. But yes, the adult is alot more fun. It would be just to include your readers. My problem is I think about this stuff way to often. If you get a chance come check out my blog. Have a great day! ~Marla~

    • The fiction relay is very much a “put it out there” idea as there are 7 of us who take it in turns to direct the story where we think is best, whereas duets tend to be joint short efforts where we both “drive”. But a completely open story where i start it for anyone to add anything would be a fun idea. Maybe i will start one and see what happens…
      I will drop by the treehouse and have a look around 🙂

  6. Cool 😉

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