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What am I achieving?

13 May, 2013

NOTE that this post isn’t me moaning and being all self-pitying, it isn’t a plea for someone to understand me or to reassure me or to support me. I’m just doing a bit of mental tidying up and thinking aloud. Feel free not to read it.

 

The reason I started blogging was to sort out all the stuff that goes through my head; all the confusion, all the self-doubt, all the self-criticism. And over the last year and a bit, being able to put all this in writing has helped my head to settle to the extent that I don’t feel the need to blog about my emotions any more. And this process has also meant that I understand better how my head works. Whereas before I would have to ride out the doubts and the downs as best I could until they went away, now I can recognise what is happening and even if I can’t always beat it, the ride is smoother. It’s like being on a plane and hitting turbulence. If you are just being battered and shaken it can be terrifying, but if you look out the window and see that it is because you are descending through the cloud layer then suddenly it isn’t so scary. That’s not to say the plane is bouncing around any less but the fear of the unknown is gone.

So now when my head is buffeting me, I can look out of the mental window and see that a particular event has caused it. Or if I can’t I can tell myself that it will pass, I will soon be into clearer air. Okay, I’ll stop using the aeroplane metaphor now.

At Christmas I even managed, in a moment of clarity when listening to a radio programme on the subject, to self-diagnose the cause of my emotional upheaval. I read into it a bit, found that everything I read was consistent with my experience and decided I was right.

This is all lovely and uplifting, but what am I achieving? I haven’t done anything about getting myself officially diagnosed (what difference would it make if I was?), I haven’t taken any steps towards preventing the dark moods that afflict me, I am not proactive when it comes to overcoming my lack of confidence. Recognising what is happening to me and realising that it will pass is all very well, but what I should be doing is then acting on this recognition to prevent it. But I don’t.

The fact that I no longer need to splurge my emotions all over the net is evidence that in a much better place than I was a year ago, and it must be a relief to those who don’t want to read my self-regarding navelgazery, but where could I be, who could I be if I really tried?

 

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From → Blogging, My Head

10 Comments
  1. Thank you for the disclaimer at the start… of course, I then read your post with pleasure . I am glad all my fine advice over the year has helped you, and I would be more than happy to give you a diagnosis… but you don’t seem to need one. Looking forward to your typing (and thought) time spent on fiction, which you seem to have a knack for creating.

    Sincerely, Dr. Strutz

  2. I wanted to comment on Ted’s comment. I think writing fiction is so good for working through things. It’s probably the one way I sort out my feelings before they swallow me up. I encourage it because I know you have great creative ability which would help with your disorder (if its okay to call it that).

    • that’s right, it is another outlet for my emotions. but writing fiction is for me (and many of us) more deep-set than that. It may help me, but that is just a by-product, Writing is just what i do. It’s like saying breathing in sea air is good for you. It may be, but i was going to be breathing anyway.
      oh and i don’t know what the correct term is, but disorder seems to fit 😉

      • I know it’s more than cathartic release, but I process better when I write. Writing is a compulsion for me though. Even when I’m blocked I feel compelled to write.

      • That’s the hardest part of writing, when you have the urge but the words don’t come

  3. This is probably one of the greatest parts about blogging. Not just writing negative emotions and experiences on my blog, but going back and identifying the problems. I remember posting some very moody words, both on my blog and Facebook. It’s a wonder my readership grew instead of decreasing. Glad I don’t have to do that anymore either.

    Best wishes.

    • that’s true, the fact that it is in writing and on the net means we can go back and re-read what we have said. The trick is to learn from it and try to move forward,
      I’m glad to hear you have made progress to a healthier place

  4. Sometimes the heart grows my friend and you can’t stop it. And you’ve outgrown where you’ve been. And what you’ve been writing and done for the past year.(All really good works by the way) Somewhere, somehow its time to do something different. Its gently nudging you. You are a really, and truly blessed with writing. Maybe its time to change directions? Set a new sail and let the winds put a new love in your heart.

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