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I am trying

31 July, 2013

I was in a really low mood at the weekend, especially on Sunday when i spent most of the day asleep. And when i wasn’t sleeping i was eating – the two things i do most of when the black dog comes to visit.

After lunch, as i was lying on my bed sighing, i decided i would eat the bag of kettle chips i had in the kitchen. I wasn’t hungry, i knew eating the whole 150g bag would make me feel bloated and fat and unwell, i knew i had eaten two normal size bags already that day, but i ate them anyway, in one quick five-minute non-stop face-feeding. And yes i felt ill and fat, i could feel the skin on my face stretching to accomodate the fat i had ingested, i could feel my stomach growing bigger and wider and unhealthier. And i decided.

I got up from the bed and went to the kitchen. I grabbed the last two bags from the multipack i had bought a few days before and i threw them angrily, bitterly, violently, into the bin. And the box that i keep crisps in was put on the pile of Useful Things to take to the alloment. Then i found the biscuit tin, full of a barely-started packet of bourbons, a favourite of mine, and threw them in the bin. In the cupboard was a packet of biscuits i had bought on offer, ready to take the place of the bourbons when they were gone. That went too. It didn’t make me feel immediately better or thinner or happier, but i knew that i was investing in my own future, i was taking a step that would make me better, thinner, happier on another day.

Today, i went shopping. I went to the cake aisle and the biscuit aisle and the crisps aisle, i looked at them, i noted the special offers, the irresistible bargains, and i made myself walk away. I bought extra fruit, but the real challenge here is to recognise the fact that when i feel hungry i am not always hungry.

I have tried to cut biscuits and crisps (or cookies and potato chips if you must) from my diet before and failed. I want to do it. I want to succeed. I want to be healthier and thinner. I am trying.

 

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From → Blogging, My Head

13 Comments
  1. I think we all have those inner battles when it comes to food; I am constantly battling the urge to stuff my face with goodies, it is one of the most difficult things to do, especially when we’re constantly bombarded with adverts and gigantic displays when food shopping. It’s like they’re calling our names as we walk by and we try to ignore it and keep on walking. I’m actually underweight for my height but that can change in a day if I let myself indulge as much as I’d like so I trick myself, like if I’m craving chips of chocolates or whatever, I’ll allow myself to take a few chips and eat them as slowly as possible, the other day when it was so stupidly hot we did an ice cream run, everyone got these yummy hot fudge sundaes and I had a low fat fudgesicle (40 calories!) which was just as tasty and gave me the creamy ice cream chocolaty feeling I wanted.
    Trying is all we can do, and surprisingly, it very often works. Good luck but don’t beat yourself up about it, when all else fails, do what I do, have a cuppa 😉

    • It’s a mental/emotional thing. i eat when i am bored or depressed, and that’s when i most want a quick sugar-rush to keep me ticking over. i need to break the habit but i am a greedy and self-permissive (is that a word) personaliity – i find it hard to deny myself or just eat a few crisps or just one biscuit. Is there such a thing as just one biscuit?
      and yes, a cuppa will keep hunger at bay, even though that sounds mad. i should do that more often.

  2. Been there done that…a billion times. I hate it and struggling with it now…any type of potatoes….I am a goner.

  3. I have found that fighting my own self – my self that wants a whole box of chocolate covered donuts, is always worth the effort but I have to do exactly what you did – look and walk away. I like exercising outside but a lot of the time, I am trying to figure out how to turn away and go back home and relax. Sometimes I have to just start exercising while I’m still trying to go back home. It’s always better when I do what I should do because it’s for me.. More power to you RG. It’s all good if you DON’T eat the biscuits and crisps MORE THAN you DO eat them. xo, Jayne

    • you’re right Jayne, it’s fighting ourselves. And with any habit or addiction the fight is never really won, but we CAN win more days than we lose.
      And i have the same motivational struggle with exercise, it’s easier not to bother, to drive not cycle, to not go for a run because its too cold or too hot, to not go to the gym becauseits too busy or too quiet etc etc.

  4. Good for you! 😀
    May I recommend that since you seem to have an attachment to those deserts, that you allot them out; ween yourself from the before going cold turkey. I’m no expert but just a suggestion that seems to work. Regardless, good job!

  5. Delilah permalink

    As I sit reading, eating chocolates. I had to replace cigarettes with something though.

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