I am trying

I was in a really low mood at the weekend, especially on Sunday when i spent most of the day asleep. And when i wasn’t sleeping i was eating – the two things i do most of when the black dog comes to visit.

After lunch, as i was lying on my bed sighing, i decided i would eat the bag of kettle chips i had in the kitchen. I wasn’t hungry, i knew eating the whole 150g bag would make me feel bloated and fat and unwell, i knew i had eaten two normal size bags already that day, but i ate them anyway, in one quick five-minute non-stop face-feeding. And yes i felt ill and fat, i could feel the skin on my face stretching to accomodate the fat i had ingested, i could feel my stomach growing bigger and wider and unhealthier. And i decided.

I got up from the bed and went to the kitchen. I grabbed the last two bags from the multipack i had bought a few days before and i threw them angrily, bitterly, violently, into the bin. And the box that i keep crisps in was put on the pile of Useful Things to take to the alloment. Then i found the biscuit tin, full of a barely-started packet of bourbons, a favourite of mine, and threw them in the bin. In the cupboard was a packet of biscuits i had bought on offer, ready to take the place of the bourbons when they were gone. That went too. It didn’t make me feel immediately better or thinner or happier, but i knew that i was investing in my own future, i was taking a step that would make me better, thinner, happier on another day.

Today, i went shopping. I went to the cake aisle and the biscuit aisle and the crisps aisle, i looked at them, i noted the special offers, the irresistible bargains, and i made myself walk away. I bought extra fruit, but the real challenge here is to recognise the fact that when i feel hungry i am not always hungry.

I have tried to cut biscuits and crisps (or cookies and potato chips if you must) from my diet before and failed. I want to do it. I want to succeed. I want to be healthier and thinner. I am trying.