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Friday Fictioneers – RinTinTin

6 November, 2014

Inboxes ping every Wednesday the world over when Rochelle sends out the weekly prompt pic, and writers in over a million countries create brilliant fiction. This week’s picture is this one:

image

My 100 words turned outย to be quite tangiential in the end. There was a plot I had partly worked out that involved the car, but then I wrote the opening. That took half of my word allocation and it was too good to cut, so I went in a different direction. I’m really proud of this one, more than I have been for a while. See what you think…

 

 

Kelly worked the nightshift at the RinTinTin Bar on I-40, the kind of place where guys came to pick up the kind of girls who came to RinTinTin to be picked up by the kind of guys who came to RinTinTin to pick up girls.

And when the nightshift got quiet, when the guys and girls had left together, when it was just her and the familiar faces who came to RinTinTin to pick up a drink, she sat at the bar, reading her college books so the day would come closer when she wasnโ€™t working the nightshift at RinTinTin.

 

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32 Comments
  1. I like the direction you went it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. I think she’s going good places, even without the car. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. Good for her. Love your first paragraph ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Dear TRG,

    Quite a different take on the prompt. I enjoyed the two POV’s within the story.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  5. Dear TRG,

    I think you nailed it…or somebody got nailed… anyway, but look, in the spirit of the masterful opening sentence, I’m pretty sure you should make the closing paragraph one sentence too. Reads better that way. Just yammering. Forgive me.

    I love the story and the writing. You were right to be proud. What’s the address the RinTinTin bar again?

    Aloha,

    Doug

    • Hi Doug and thanks for your comments – yes you’re right, that second para needs to be one sentence, i will edit that. That’s great advice. And noone has ever called my work masterful before, so thanks again for that!
      The RinTinTin is easy to find – just head out on I-40 till you see Kelly’s car parked outside. Mention my name and get a free bowl of beer nuts ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Yes, I like this a lot. It sacrifices something in the way of detail for that first sentence, but the sentence is worth it. You should be proud of that. Definitely.

    • Thanks Sandra. Yep, that first sentence ate into my wordcount but it was just too good not to keep it ๐Ÿ™‚
      I still managed to drop a tiny bit of plot and backstory in there, but keeping the start was more important I thought

  7. Nice turn of events ~ The waitress will travel ~

  8. Well done! Spectacular opening paragraph — very creative!

  9. That’s very good, and yes to the first paragraph. With the ring of truth.

  10. You are right to be proud of this.

  11. I can see where you’d have fun with this. It was fun to read.

  12. Dear Reclining Gentleman, First sentence is absolutely priceless! You are such a good writer! I really, really enjoyed this! Nan ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. The rhythmic repetition of Rin Tin Tin in this short tale is mesmerizingly good. You have every right to be proud of this piece. Well done Recling Gentleman.

  14. Three cheers for Kelly slogging away determinedly in the wee small hours while the party moves on somewhere else. Great contrast in the two paragraphs. Love it.

  15. Nicely done and I like that she has better goals than being stuck in RinTinTin

  16. Excellent writing, so much going on without anything really happening.

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