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C – Friday Fictioneers – Debris

20 November, 2015

A picture paints a thousand words, the proverb says. Well not in the world of FriFic it doesn’t, no sireee Bob. Round these parts, when Rochelle sends us a prompt pic, like this week’s:

ce-grate

by C.E.Ayr, we only get 100 words to tell our story. If you want to read the flash fiction this picture inspired in the dozens who take part, go and say hi to the blue frog.

The C in the title of my post means I actively encourage ConCrit, so please tell me where my fiction doesn’t work for you. I want to know.

OK, here it is:

 

They found the black box yesterday. It confirmed what everyone suspected; the plane had come down after an explosion. The timings indicate it happened over the forest to the west, but the debris spread over miles. Outside my home on East 48th Street a single shoe lies in the gutter, the whereabouts of its companion and its owner still unknown.

A foreign hand placed a foreign bomb in a foreign plane travelling between two foreign lands, and brought it down over our town. This is not our conflict, is not our fault. But now our leaders are calling for war.

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31 Comments
  1. Topical story that works well. I like that you made it more personal with the use of the shoe and saying the whereabouts of the owner are still unknown. C- I can’t decide whether the repetition of foreign so many times in the last paragraph works for me or not. All up though I though it was a good piece of writing.

  2. There’s no escaping such things. Everyone gets pulled in somehow. Poignantly told.

  3. Maybe you should let “our leaders” know what you will and will not accept from them.

  4. The first thing that came to mind was Lockerbie when I read this and then more followed one after another.

    100 whimsical words for Friday Fictioneers

  5. I like the repetition of foreign. It brings out the idea that although we don’t really know one another, we’re all connected. Does that make sense? Lovely piece.

  6. C- Using the shoe as imagery to describe the human loss of terrorist attacks was a great take on the prompt. The story had a visceral feel and I found it disturbing (which I assume was your intent). The multiple use of “foreign” was justified and as you said, gave emphasis to your point. Nice piece.

  7. It’s a timely–and timeless story, sadly. And very well written. C- It works very well for me: from the tenses–present making it immediate, past explaining the story–to the repetitions that produce the emotion. It shows the feeling of being powerless of the individual towards the facts of a thoroughly connected and globalized world where we aren’t faultless at all, even if most of the individuals have good intentions.

  8. Engaging piece. I like how the first sentence immediately sets the somber tone.

  9. Well written, and timely. It seems we had similar events in mind. C: I particularly like the end with the emotional part, that’s when it get really strong, and that call to understand those politicians. I got a little confused on the black box, it’s a clever way of telling what had happened, but I think it could connect even better to the shoe if you told of the plane in another way…

    • Thanks for reading Björn. I wonder if the confusion over the black box is a language / cultural thing as it’s a common term over here in England

  10. Good piece and topical.
    The Lockerbie connection is poignant.
    I have often visited the permanent display in Glasgow’s Riverside Museum.
    It still hurts.

  11. The third line is awkward for me. It feels like you could shorten that sentence to say “The debris spread over miles”, which tells me all that I need to know. That leaves you a few words to play. The repetition of foreign worked for me.
    Tracey

    • Hi Tracey, thanks for commenting. I said about the forest in the west to counter the fact the narrator lived on East and show how far the debiris had spread, but on re-reading i see you’re right – it didn’t need that level of detail.
      Also I originally had the black box being foud to the north which got edited out, so it shows it wasn’t all needed!

  12. Such a lonely little shoe filled with despair and tragedy. An apt story for our times…unfortunately.

  13. Good story, RG. It sounds like something taken from the newspaper headlines. This is happening far too often. Well done. — Suzanne

  14. Well done. So sad the truth of the premise.

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